The other day I invested twenty-four hours of my life in a pageant. And not just any pageant like Miss America or Miss Queen of the World or anything stupid like that. Miss Vanderburgh County 4H Fair Queen pageant. Yeah, intense stuff. I have absolutely no experience in pageants. I went solely to make sure that my friend, a competitor, was the best representation of American values. We skanked up her T-shirt to show off her boobs and waist, I curled her hair, darkened her makeup, and helped her practice appropriately bimbonic answers to questions.
I drove to her house out in the asscrack of nowhere. That night, we worked to make her speech sound wholesome and original. So of course we went with capitalism. We related everything important in her life to flavors of Mountain Dew. Then, to show how she is a good American consumer, we took fingernail polish and made jewelry out of old Mountain Dew coke tabs. Then after telling her how beautiful she was and how everything was going to be fine (lies and deceit) we went to sleep.
The day started obnoxiously early. I rolled out of bed and got to work making sure I looked presentable. Spending the day with a billion obnoxiously perky beauty queens is intimidating to me. While accompanying my friend through the Queen vetting process, I felt like that guy who sits in the corner and massages the boxer during time-outs. "You got it tiger!" "You have way bigger boobs!" Just normal encouragement. The majority of the pageant lasts entirely too long. I started giving the other girls nicknames in my head. There was a girl in a white suit who radiated old money. She became "Trophy Wife". Others included "Terrified to Be on Stage Girl," "Girl Who Walks Like a Horse," "Unfortunate Looking Girl," and of course, "Bitch."
After all the preparation and effort, you know who comes out on top? Bitch, followed by Trophy Wife. From this experience I have gathered what it takes to become a queen.
So, to all of you who have the burgeoning desire to become a pageant queen of your pointless county fair, I will share with you the tips and tricks that ensure the dimmest and most endowed blonde girls win.
1. Be blonde. If you aren't dye your hair. (Note: just for local pagaents. For Miss America be ethnic looking)
2. If you are overweight, stop that. I fully support being fat; I think it's an American value, pageant judges disagree. They are probably communists. Or Nazis. They liked blondes too.
3. Instead of writing a fresh, original, and honest speech every year, write complete drivel that panders to the judges and use that same speech over and over until you win.
4. Be a bitch. If everyone hates you it means the judges LOVE you. You won't win Miss Congeniality but Miss Congeniality won't win.
5. Never, ever mention how you have a boyfriend, fiance, or a male friend. This means you are immoral and a whore and the judges don't like it.
6. Have a 4.0 but be unable to intelligently answer any question thrown at you. Good, wholesome, American, Christian girls are supposed to be pretty and obedient, not smart. If you are smart it shows the judges you haven't spent enough time in the kitchen and church.
7. WORLD PEACE IS ALWAYS THE CORRECT ANSWER
Follow those seven simple rules (it may be hard if you already follow rule #6) and you will probably win.
