Of Work and Food

I currently work at a large, retail story that annually hosts the Thanksgiving Parade in New York (unnamed here for legal reasons). I sell clothes I can't afford, clean out fitting rooms filled with clothes I can't afford, and put away clothes I can't afford. I also deal with some of the most obnoxious old women I have ever met in my life (no, lady, your coupon doesn't work and it won't work if I scan it eight more times). But I wasn't always living the dream.

As I am a college student, people assume I'll do anything for money. Generally, they are right. Once I ate a cap full of red pepper flakes for whatever the Asian sitting next to me had in his pocket. I choked but I made 78 cents. For a hundred bucks I once put on a ridiculous outfit and handed out free soda to innocent civilians coming out of Wal-Mart. To my surprise, some people REFUSED to take my free soda. Two things Americans love: free stuff and calories. I was giving these people BOTH and they have the gall to refuse? With that attitude we will never become the fattest country in the world (we're third). That's about the only first place ranking America's still got a chance at! It's damn near treason.

I like my America fat and in first place. I live in the fattest city in the country. That means I could soon live in the fattest city in the WORLD. Then, when I travel abroad and people make snide comments about America I can counter with "Oh yeah? Well I live in the fattest city in the world. What's your city first in the world at?" These yahoos with their "healthy living" and soda-free lifestyles are going to ruin that for me! Pacific Islanders are already beating us with spam!

I am a true American. I ate cheesecake while I wrote this. What have you done for America today?

My first "Anything Can Happen Thursday"

This morning I was alerted to the fact that, apparently, owning five toothbrushes that are molding in a sink full of clogged water with a toilet that has leaked what I was told was mud (but believe is fecal matter) all over the floor is not a "hygienic space." I have been told this from several people at whom I have screamed to "NOT GO IN THERE." However, nothing was ever really done about it until today. If you are one of the select few who love me enough to still be my friend after catching a glimpse of my personal filth then this will be shocking for you. If you've ever seen my bedroom or dorm, you can imagine what horrors await in a room whose sole purpose is to excrete bodily substances. My bathroom is now what I consider irrationally and uncomfortably clean. According to my parents it's a little messy.

I realize that by societal standards my bathroom was perhaps a little bit vomit inducing to those who don't understand my logic. But to society I say this: I have not been to a doctor for seven years.

Now why is that relevant? Well, aside from my crippling fear of doctors, I attribute my superb immune system and steely intestinal fortitude to the amount of germs I handle on a day to day basis. I have probably come into contact with more types of mold, mildew, dirt, decomposing insects, and bodily fluids then most bio-hazard crews. AND I never had to wear a suit or breathing mask. That's because it's always been in my nature to be a one-woman disaster. I walk into a room and immediately the damage is irreconcilable. Misguided society tells us that mess is bad. But from my experience, mess has made me a host of parasitic organisms who might otherwise have been homeless. And I think everyone has benefited from that.

Also, I ate almost 2/3 of a loaf of bread today.