Of Work and Food

I currently work at a large, retail story that annually hosts the Thanksgiving Parade in New York (unnamed here for legal reasons). I sell clothes I can't afford, clean out fitting rooms filled with clothes I can't afford, and put away clothes I can't afford. I also deal with some of the most obnoxious old women I have ever met in my life (no, lady, your coupon doesn't work and it won't work if I scan it eight more times). But I wasn't always living the dream.

As I am a college student, people assume I'll do anything for money. Generally, they are right. Once I ate a cap full of red pepper flakes for whatever the Asian sitting next to me had in his pocket. I choked but I made 78 cents. For a hundred bucks I once put on a ridiculous outfit and handed out free soda to innocent civilians coming out of Wal-Mart. To my surprise, some people REFUSED to take my free soda. Two things Americans love: free stuff and calories. I was giving these people BOTH and they have the gall to refuse? With that attitude we will never become the fattest country in the world (we're third). That's about the only first place ranking America's still got a chance at! It's damn near treason.

I like my America fat and in first place. I live in the fattest city in the country. That means I could soon live in the fattest city in the WORLD. Then, when I travel abroad and people make snide comments about America I can counter with "Oh yeah? Well I live in the fattest city in the world. What's your city first in the world at?" These yahoos with their "healthy living" and soda-free lifestyles are going to ruin that for me! Pacific Islanders are already beating us with spam!

I am a true American. I ate cheesecake while I wrote this. What have you done for America today?