Zumba (HP premiere day make-up post)

Now, everyone knows how I feel about fat Americans. We are doing our best to serve our nation. However, in a lapse of judgement, I went to a workout class with a friend. This wasn't your typical, Richard Simmons, jazzercize class. No, this was Zumba. Now, I don't know the origin of Zumba but, judging from its name sounding like a water slide at Holiday World, I'd say it's African.

When I arrived my worst fears were confirmed. My friend and I were easily the youngest people there; by thirty years. Everyone is the class seemed to be doing their best to make America #1 but had fallen off the bandwagon. I was hoping hard work and sweat would be enough to get me back on that lazy train.

The teacher was a small woman who reminded me faintly of a sprite. She was very excited to sweat and I couldn't figure out why. She jumped right into turning on reggae music about chocolate and pretty women. This upset my African theory because it was all in Spanish. She started doing these steps and bends and expected everybody to just immediately know what was happening. As I started 'dancing' I couldn't help but feel as though I was having a multicultural experience. The name was Africa, the music Hispanic, and the dance steps were most certainly white.

I didn't even start breathing heavily until thirty minutes into the class. When I looked around I saw all of the women looking exhausted. Now, I have a small dance background and I started to recognize what I can only describe as a creative bastardization of actual dance steps. Some steps were tap moves done horribly wrong. I had to un-teach myself proper tap to do the moves correctly. I'm also used to having steps named in french or being named after the originator. In Zumba, you experience moves like the "machete" and "chocolate." Names that give you absolutely no indication of what you are supposed to do. My teacher would yell out these names and expect me to know what dance move best represents a physicalization of a machete.

I left the class feeling like a proper white American. I danced embarrassingly bad, pretended I was working out, and used exotic names and music to pretend I care about other cultures. So I think Zumba is a great American institution. Also, it's no risk to America becoming the fattest country.